“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow.” -Mary Ann Radmacher

When you are going through a divorce, it is very easy to allow fear to take over. When you are in fear, you will be unable to make the best decisions that will take you where you want to go. Decisions based on fear can lead to some really bad results.

Fear is the window of the eyes of the frightened child. It is the ghosts and shadows of long ago trying to protect your old worn out stories that are based on illusions, misinterpretations and lies. However, to the unconscious mind, they feel as real as though it was yesterday. The subconscious mind knows no time.

 When you go through a divorce, many fears will come up that will rattle and surprise you. That is because during divorce the past and present collide which opens up the Pandora’s Box of repressions in your psyche. As a result, all the fears that you have repressed or have been able to manage up until this time suddenly explode into your consciousness feeling very overwhelming growing to immense proportions. It can feel pretty scary, because it feels like you have lost control of your life.

Our reactions to the separation/divorce process are based on the fight/flight syndrome. It takes us back to our childhood when we felt powerless and dependent. Our adult functioning slips away and the scared child takes over. If you can become aware of this, you can control it. When someone leaves us, our mammalian brain perceives it as a personal attack. The primitive part of your brain acts automatically to protect you. Your brain reacts by flooding your body with stress hormones such as cortisol & adrenaline whose purpose is to get you out of the situation. You are flooded with fear. As a result, each time you have to deal with your spouse you experience a fear reaction. This person is now considered dangerous to your well-being. For a while, you may feel obsessed with your spouse. You may feel extremely anxious whenever you see them and/or their new relationship.

These feelings can become very confusing. They do not necessarily mean that because you are feeling so much pain that you truly loved and/or still love this person. It is simply your mammalian brain short-circuiting old childhood pain and abandonment issues. This is not the time to make important decisions about your divorce. It is time for stress reduction techniques and adapting to your new situation. Once you feel less stressed, your rational brain will be able to restore itself and; the fight/flight reactions will subside as you gain control over your feelings of danger.

Attachment questions for all human beings no matter what their age are: Do you love me? Will you be there for me etc.?  When these questions were not adequately answered in a positive way while you were growing up, fear got locked in your subconscious as to how loveable you really are. In this way, at a very deep level your emotional foundation was shaken to the core of your soul, and the related emotional issues lie dormant ready to be reclaimed and integrated so you can finally heal your heart. Divorce gives you a great opportunity to heal your heart transforming those old fear wounds about being lovable. You will realize that you are the source of the love that you need and are indeed lovable.

This doesn’t mean you are having a breakdown. In fact, you are having a breakthrough.  This is a normal part of the divorce process. It is actually called crazy time. You will act in ways that will surprise not only you but others around you. Be patient and kind to yourself and know that this is a transition that you will get through. Your divorce can transform you. It can wind up being your greatest gift. It gives you the opportunity to work through things you have ignored positioning you for great success. That is why it is so crucial to do inner work regarding your fears, so they don’t ruin your life.

Once fear is understood at it deepest level, it can become mastered and become your best friend. When you can shed it, you will feel lighter and freer and be able to move forward in your life. To be able to be carefree is a wonderful gift. You deserve to give that to yourself. Most of us do not realize just how immobilized we are by fear in our lives.  There are gifts and valuable lessons in your fears. They tell a story about your life. Once you know the story, you can rewrite it. They are your unconscious blueprint. The idea is to bust through your fears.

 Bringing faith to fear can be very uplifting. Faith is the belief that in spite of the conditions in your life, things will get better. Faith believes that everything that is happening has a gift in it and is happening for your highest good. Faith believes that there is a greater plan working in your life that you could ever realize. And that sometimes a bad event that is taking place is actually a blessing in disguise. Faith believes that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Faith is your connection to all that is and can be. It is the connection you have with yourself and others. Faith goes beyond hope. It is a knowing. Faith is the light in your heart and soul challenging you to keep moving forward even though you cannot see what lies ahead. Faith is trusting that the net will appear when you leap. With faith all things are possible. Faith is what dreams and miracles are made of. Faith is the best balm for your heart. It is love of self and others. With faith, you can weather any crisis. So, which do you want to sign on for, fear or faith? Whichever one you feed is the one that will grow.

“You block your dream when you allow fear to become bigger than your faith.” -Mary Morrissey

Copyright © 2011 by Lynne Glazer. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing.  

This is my very first blog.  It’s been a long time coming. It is dedicated to all the people who have ever gone through divorce or are headed that way. I am writing this blog in celebration of launching my new site www.bestchoicedivorce.com. It represents a culmination of my life’s work around the divorce process. It is my commitment to help you view and do divorce in a whole different way, making it both positive and transformational. My goal is to break through the myths of divorce shifting the divorce paradigm one person at a time. The Best Choice Divorce Program was created to help people use their divorce as a catalyst to create the life of their dreams.

Divorce is one of life’s ultimate challenges. It is not a concrete event. It is a process that unfolds over time offering challenges as well as valuable gifts and opportunities. By utilizing these gifts, it is possible to live a life you would have never imagined for yourself.

In 1994, my husband walked out leaving me with two children to raise alone. I was a stay at home mom with no visible means of income. I thought my husband leaving me was the worst possible thing that could happen. It threw me into fear, panic and despair. I had no idea that sometimes what appears to be a bad thing actually can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. As it turned out, there was a plan for my life that I could not even envision for myself

Initially, I was pulled into the adversarial arena of divorce unprepared for the battle that lay before me. I wound up going through three attorneys, and one mediator. It wasn’t until I started to do a lot of research on my own and trained as a mediator that things started to change for me. Eventually, I moved out of my victim mentality and took responsibility for my divorce. As a result, I began getting some positive results. While I was going through my divorce, I went back to school and earned a master’s degree.  Each night, for years, I would go to sleep with piles of books on my bed from all the research I was doing only to begin again the next day.

I spent five long years in the legal system. I learned how the legal system and attorneys operated. I learned it all the good, the bad and the ugly. As a result, I lost power over my own process as well as the ability to make informed decisions about the outcome of my future. That is what divorce is about. You are deciding on no less than your future. I became very disenchanted with the way the legal system operated. The stakes got very high. I suffered major financial loss as well as unnecessary psychological harm to myself and my children. I finally cut my losses and bailed out with a far better agreement than I ever would have gotten if I had not stepped up to the plate. 

I realized that my experience was more the norm than the exception. There were many others struggling through conflicted divorces. I thought if I could prevent one person from going through the frustration and pain I had gone through, then I would have made an important contribution and difference in the quality of people’s lives.

That being said, I started my own divorce counseling and mediation practice. I realized that what was missing in my experience was a viable blueprint to follow. I needed to know in advance what choices to make and what steps to take to facilitate the best possible outcome.

Using my experience and doing extensive research, I created an alternative route through divorce, a “blueprint.” My practice was designed to help clients make well informed decisions in order to maximize positive outcomes. In order to do that, I created a unique and comprehensive step-by-step separation/divorce program. It provided a practical blueprint through divorce with personalized and innovative solutions, and even a do-it-yourself option. My goal was to shine the light in the dark places of divorce so people could find their way through to emotional and financial freedom with an agreement in hand that protected their future.

“When you have the right blueprint to follow, and you are taking the actions you need to take, in the right order, at the right time, you have a guaranteed formula for success.” -John Assaraf   

My divorce practice continued for many years. But life hardly ever stays the same for very long. When the recession hit, it blew me out of the water. They say life happens to you when you are making different plans. I had to sell my house and move 1,200 miles away. Once again, I had to start my life over. Again, I thought that this was the worst possible thing that could happen. I did not realize that there was a greater plan awaiting me. What appeared to be a bad thing turned out to be a good thing.

To help me get through my financial dilemma, I hired a coach from the Ford Institute and then enrolled in Debbie Ford’s Transformational Coaching Program. I got certified as a Blueprint and Spiritual Divorce coach. It turned out to be a three year process I never expected to take. Through this work, I realized that I had an unconscious blueprint that was running my life, regarding my finances, relationships, and even my health. It was even determining the success that I would allow in every area of my life.

I learned that what we believe on the inside is manifested in our lives on the outside.  I learned that my unconscious beliefs were woven into an unconscious story or paradigm that I believed and was playing out over and over again like a bad Ground Hog Day movie.  As a result, I was creating situations and relationships that I did not really want.  When I started to reclaim the parts of myself that had been running the show, I was able to rewrite my story. I may not have been able to rewrite the beginning of my life story, but I could rewrite the ending.

Consequently, I have incorporated this invaluable wisdom on the unconscious into my work so you can not only hold onto your money, but could also heal your heart. Not only are you given the right information so you can make informed decisions, you are able to tap into your inner wisdom while doing it. In this way, I have added Jungian Psychology and the Law of Attraction to the practical piece of my divorce program. In this way, you will learn to master your inner world so you can master your outer world and learn to play them simultaneously. In other words, your thoughts, feelings and emotions must be in alignment in order for you to create what you want. Consciousness is what creates the power of true choice.

Getting through the storms of life is all about making choices. I am where I am today because of every choice I have made.  There is no doubt that we all can make some pretty bad choices. You have to fail to succeed.  I have learned not to beat myself up for my mistakes.

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Vivian Greene

However, a life well-lived is a succession of empowering choices over time.  That is how I came up with the name Best Choice Divorce.  Learning to make the “Best choices” over time will take you to where you want to go. It simply cannot fail.

So, if you are thinking that you are going through the worst possible time in your life right now, I ask you to open your heart to the possibility that this just might just be the best thing that is happening to you for reasons that have not yet been revealed but will as time unfolds.

To your success,

Lynne Glazer
www.bestchoicedivorce.com

“Learning to ask empowering questions in moments of crisis is a critical skill.” -Anthony Robbins 

Challenges and obstacles always exist in our lives. We can’t get to a place where we won’t have them anymore. We must accept that is how life is and still find ways to feel happy and utilize the lessons, gifts, opportunities and challenges we are given what ever they may be. Bad things may happen. But suffering is a choice.

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Vivian Greene

"We are still masters of our fate.We are still captains of our souls."

Winston Churchill

"The best way out is always through."

Robert Frost