Questions are the Answer

"Learning to ask empowering questions in moments of crisis is a critical skill" - Anthony Robbins

Most people when deciding to end a marriage or going through a divorce do not ask themselves the right questions. 

“The questions you ask will determine what you think and feel, what you will believe and ultimately what you will do.” (Robbins) Therefore, the questions that you ask are crucial to a successful outcome. In fact, the questions that you ask determine your destiny.

In most cases, the questions we ask ourselves are based on our limited beliefs. These beliefs are our glass ceiling. You have to be willing to break through the limited mind set you have created for yourself so you can live the life of your dreams.

"If I had a problem to solve, and only had an hour to solve the problem and my life depended on solving the problem, I would spend the first fifty-five minutes determining the proper question to ask, because once I had the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes" - Albert Einstein

What are the best questions you can ask yourself about your situation? In those questions lie the answers that are the right solutions for you.

FREQUENTLY AND INFREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. Why Should I Choose Best Choice Divorce?

Best Choice Divorce is the only program that offers a step by step guide through the entire divorce process beginning with making the decision to leave. It takes you through the emotional, financial, and legal aspects as well as children and divorce. It offers an organized format broken down into doable pieces.

It also offers transformational books in each area of divorce providing you with all the information you need to make informed decisions. It is an interactive process where you do action steps each week to facilitate your progress. Best Choice can draft a proposal or Memorandum of Understanding for you that covers everything needed in your Agreement in eight weeks or less. You can meditate together or you can give it to your spouse and they check off what they agree to. When you mutually agree to all the issues, you have mastered the divorce process. In this way, you save thousands of dollars, emotional duress and valuable time.  

Best Choice also offers a do it your self divorce program with materials and books as well as a sample separation agreement that you can fill out. The agreement provides you with all the possible options you have and contingencies you need to be aware of in order to protect your future. In this way, you have all the information you need right at your finger tips to complete your divorce.

Best choice also offers coaching for whatever needs you may have. It offers general one on one coaching or Blueprint and Spiritual Divorce coaching based on Debbie Ford’s ground breaking shadow work. The coaching can help you to achieve your goals as well as heal your heart.

Best choice offers the practical side of divorce in an innovative way. It provides the missing pieces you need to successfully complete your divorce. It incorporates Jungian Psychology, Metaphysics and the Law of Attraction into a comprehensive program like no other that will help you to get exactly where you want to go.

2. How much should my divorce cost?

The average adversarial divorce costs $26,630 or more. Some couples earning $60,000 a year pay over $50,000. The average full scale litigated divorce costs $77,746 or more. Lawyers want you to believe that you can’t get through divorce without them and the exorbitant fees they charge are reasonable. It should not cost more then $5,000 to get divorced if you are mediating. And it is far less if you do it yourself. We are indoctrinated to believe that quality divorces should cost a lot of money. The truth of the matter is that you can divorce successfully without retaining an attorney holding onto your hard earned money. It is possible to do a Pro se divorce which is a do it yourself divorce and craft your own agreement. Most people who pay a lot of money to get divorced wind up being unhappy with their attorneys as well as the terms of their Agreement.  

3. Aren’t we guaranteed certain rights under the law?

It is important to understand that divorce laws in every state are just guidelines of rights that you could possibly obtain. They are not a given. There is no guarantee that you will obtain any of those rights. If you and your spouse can not agree, you will have to fight for them. Attorneys cannot make you decide anything. The only people who hold the decision making power are you and your spouse and/or a judge. If you go to court, your rights are determined by a judge. Judges can rule in any capacity they choose and do not have to justify it to you. And to your surprise, you could walk away losing everything you both have worked so hard for. Agreeing to as many issues upfront as possible will save you major financial loss, emotional turmoil and valuable time.  

4. How long should my divorce take?

Many people drag their divorce process out, because they are afraid to move forward. What they do not realize is that they are prolonging their emotional pain. Your divorce should not take longer then a year. An adversarial legal divorce can take years to complete. Mediated divorces on the average take about 4 to 6 months to complete. Do it yourself divorces where the parties are fully cooperating with one another take about 2-3 months or less. Once you file your Agreement in court, there is usually a waiting period before the divorce is finalized which varies by state. The court gives you a grace period just in case you want to reconcile. Officially, you are not divorced until the judge stamps the decree.

5. What is an uncontested divorce?

An uncontested divorce means that you have mastered the divorce process and have mutually agreed to all the issues between you. It also means you have a drafted agreement ready to be filed in court.

6. If I don’t want a divorce, will the judge still grant it?

It is rare for a judge not to grant a divorce regardless of the defense raised.

7. What is a contested divorce?

A contested divorce is one that has not settled all the issues between the parties. If you both have retained lawyers, they can force you to go to court to settle.

8. What is a value’s chart?

A value’s chart shows the values of all the assets and liabilities you are dividing between you.  It also lists things you may not have considered. It is an invaluable tool that clearly shows you if your Agreement is indeed equitable. It can only be purchased through bestchoicedivorce.com..

9. What is a QDRO?

A QDRO stands for Qualified Domestic Relations Order. It is used when splitting retirement and pension plans. A QDRO is a Court order that must be served on or delivered to the plan administrator. Drafting a QDRO requires special knowledge and should be done by a QDRO specialist.

10. My lawyer told me not to talk to my spouse. Should I listen?

When you stop talking to your spouse, it puts all the control in your lawyer’s hands. You won’t really know what is going on. The lawyers could decide what you should get instead of you. Issues get misinterpreted. The cash register keeps ringing and years could be marked off your life while you argue over one point at a time. No one knows your spouse better than you do. Most people get a lot further when they are willing to negotiate and keep talking to their spouse.

11. How do I know I am making the right decision about leaving my marriage?

The decision to end a relationship is one of most heart wrenching decisions you will ever make. Most people think about it for years before they actually take action. They believe their needs will never be met and have fallen into despair. A relationship that is not working is lacking in what you want and need the most.. It is a deprivation of your hearts truest desires. We only get one shot at life. This is not a dress rehearsal. There are certain deal breakers such as: addictions, adultery, emotional deprivation, emptiness, distance, hatred, contempt, withdrawal, distance, rage, and abuse etc. It is easy to fall into denial. Denial protects you from facing the pain of the situation creating a lot of ambivalence. Once the veil is lifted, it is easier to see what you need to do and where you really want to go. In your heart of hearts, you know what the right decision is for you whether you can admit it to yourself or not. Give yourself permission to sit in the question. Trust your inner guidance. It holds all the answers to your deepest and most profound questions.

12. If the house is in my name only, do I have to divide it with my spouse?

Any assets that are acquired during a marriage are marital property. It does not matter whose name it is in. The only way you can keep the house is if you both mutually agree to do so or you go before a judge, and he/she makes that ruling. A judge could also order you to sell the house and divide the proceeds with a certain percentage going to each party. Many people would rather decide this between themselves.

13. How can the legal system hurt me?

Once you retain an attorney, you have lost “power” over your case. Lawyers usually try to decide for you what they think you should get. Your lawyer as well as your spouse’s lawyer can file motions, and set pre trials without your permission. They can also run up costly bills with unnecessary adversarial procedures and paper work. Before you know it, you are out $10,000, and things haven’t even gotten started. Lawyers complicate a process that could easily be simplified. Your lawyer could eventually become your greatest obstacle. The legal system is an archaic system where divorce is treated like war. You and your husband are baited against one another in a battle you will ultimately lose. Not only can you suffer extreme financial loss, but you can suffer psychological damage as well. Your spouse’s lawyer’s goal is to make you look bad while making your spouse look good to undermine your legal grounds. While the battle rages on, time is slipping away. Do you want to pay your lawyer more than your marital estate is worth, split your estate with your lawyer and/or send his/her children to college while you borrow money to send your own?       

14. Is splitting things equally always fair?

No, it is not. For example, a homemaker stayed home to raise the children and lost years of earning power and her spouse makes triple what she earns. In this scenario, equal would not be fair. The incomes are too disproportionate. In any situation where the spouses have been married for a long time and one spouse has more assets or earning capacity than the other, equal is not fair.

15. What about my divorce will hurt my children the most?

What will hurt your children the most is how you both handle the conflict before, during and after the divorce. Children do very poorly in ongoing conflict. The more you try to hurt one another, the more you hurt your children. The more you bad mouth your spouse to your children, the more you hurt them. When you say negative things about your spouse to your children, they take that on. They believe the same thing is true about them especially if they are the same gender. This can cause them irreparable psychological damage. After all, they are a part of the both of you. It is also important to understand the developmental stages your children are going through so you can meet your children’s needs. Children need to feel connected to both parents. At minimum, it is essential for children to have at least one person in their life they feel unconditionally loved and accepted by. Putting a smile on your child’s face every day and providing the best possible support is the best gift you can give your children.

16. Is mediation a better alternative than the adversarial legal system?

Mediation is a process that helps the both of you to maintain control over your divorce. It is a constructive and effective way to find solutions through mutual cooperation and understanding rather than using manipulation and fear. It takes a shorter amount of time, saves you emotional suffering and financial loss. In addition, the agreement is crafted to fit the family’s personal needs. As a result, people are often happier with the results and post divorce conflict is less likely. Many spouses feel that they will lose more of their assets if they go the mediation route instead of the adversarial one. This is not true.

17. What is a Separation Agreement?

You need a separation agreement to get divorced that must be filed in court. Each state has different names for it such as: Separation Agreement, Marital Settlement Agreement MSA, Marital Separation Agreement etc. If a mediator drafts it, it is called a Memorandum of Understanding or MOU. Your Separation Agreement is the most important contract you will ever write. It states how you will divide your marital assets, personal property, liabilities, and designates the custody, parenting plan, education and maintenance for your children and other relevant factors regarding your obligations as a married couple It is essential to know all the contingencies that need to be in your Agreement in order to avoid the consequences that you do not want. It must protect your future. Best Choice sells a sample agreement in an organized format. It contains all the information you need to make informed decisions. You can fill it out right on line. In this way, you can create a viable agreement that will serve as a springboard for an abundant future. Even if you decide to use an attorney, you will have a jump start on your divorce, because you will know everything that needs to be in it and what to ask for.    

18. Should I just leave?

Leaving without discussing it will throw your family into a crisis situation. Getting some counseling together or alone can be very helpful. It is important to create a temporary controlled separation plan. The plan states who will pay for what, who will do what regarding the home etc, and how issues will be handled with the children. In this way, everyone in the family will know what to expect until you either get back together or divorce. You can work the plan even if you are still living together. This lessens anxiety about how things are going to be taken care of through this difficult transition. Leaving might make it harder to get back in. It will be costly at a time when you need money the most, and your spouse could fault you for abandonment. However, if you feel your emotional and physical well being is compromised, you have two options: You can leave the residence and write a letter of intent to your spouse stating that you are not abandoning the family but are leaving to relieve the conflict until things can be worked out. Or if you want to stay in the residence, it is possible to get a restraining order and have your spouse ordered to vacate the premises.

19. Is staying in my marriage in the best interests of my children?

A toxic marriage poisons your children. Children are like sponges. They absorb negativity. They act out the family’s problems and secrets. It is not in the best interests for your children to witness a relationship that is destructive and unloving. What model does that give them for learning how to love? They will go on to create the very thing you have created if they aren’t showed a different way. When divorce is handled amicably, children of divorce fare just as well as children from intact families. 

20. What is a Pro se divorce?

Pro se divorce means you can do it yourself without retaining an attorney. Many courts have Pro se kits you can pick up that explains the process. To do Pro se, you will need to get the right paper work from the family court nearest you. You will need to draft a Marital Separation Agreement that explains how you will divide all of your assets and liabilities as well as stating how other obligations arising from the marriage will be handled. You can legally draft your own agreement. You can purchase a sample separation agreement from Best Choice and fill it out yourself. Once you and your spouse agree to all the terms, you have mastered the divorce process. Then, you file your agreement along with all the other required documents in court. There is also a filing fee. Finally, you have a court hearing and are granted the divorce. In this way, your divorce ends at the court house instead of beginning there. You go around the adversarial legal system rather then through it saving yourself thousands of dollars and emotional heartache. 

Action Step

Write down all your questions. The answers to those questions are the solutions. Create actions steps to do each week based on those solutions to achieve your goals.

Copyright © 2011 by Lynne Glazer, All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing.